Journal 2- October 31st, 2020
I lost my cool today. I feel like a failure. Delia did see the results of my mini tantrum, but I know by now she’s probably completely forgotten, but I remember, and I’m upset with myself for losing my cool the way I did. This morning I decided I’d make her eggs for breakfast- no problem, her table is set up in her room (we don’t have a mat under her for eating yet, I need to buy that). So, she has her table, her chair, and her bowl (that suctions to the table) so she’s set, of course she’s making a mess- little eggy bits are just going on the floor and husband goes to take a shower. Side note: Husband actually cooked the eggs 🙂
I do a preliminary clean up but I understand that she’s still eating and she may continue eating and dropping food. As Husband leaves he says he’ll take a real quick shower…time goes on and it seems like Delia is actually finished eating so I slowly start picking up the food, cleaning up the egg mess that’s nearest to me, kind of working outwards to inward. She notices the eggs in my hand that I’m picking up off the floor and starts wanting to eat them, they’re gross but mind you I haven’t been picking up any hair or anything noticeably gross so she begins grabbing handfuls of egg out of my hand. I had already picked up a pretty solid amount of egg, as she continued to grab handfuls (she is eating them) but about half of the grabbed eggs are falling back onto the floor. I start noticing how much is falling back onto the floor and I start getting frustrated. Luckily, she wasn’t looking at me so she doesn’t see the frustration on my face, she still just continues taking eggs out of my hand.
She eventually took a break and my frustration hits a peak- I throw what was left of the scrambled eggs back on the floor. Once again, luckily, it didn’t phase her, she went and picked up random pieces of egg, went to her table picked up some more egg, and just started eating it. I’m upset with myself for losing my cool. That was a teaching moment that I felt I had failed. I should have communicated to her why I was frustrated and let her continue eating because she clearly still needed/wanted to eat. I’m very lucky that Delia doesn’t have a problem with throwing food- she actually does eat- it does fall on the floor, but she doesn’t actively throw it. Children do what they see, I need to keep myself calm in those moments.