AngelaAndThenSome

So, I’m worried about my mental health right now. I’ve been feeling that slow pull or decline into the abyss of depression. It hasn’t been intense, but I have been feeling a lot of emotional/stress eating desires, self-doubt, second-guessing, sleeplessness, and overall low moods sneaking in more and more. I’ve also been having some family issues- of my own making since I am sensitive, but in a good way.

I’ve done a lot of growth over the past few years to help lessen the hardened shell I placed around myself, to speak up instead of staying quiet, to voice my opinion as tactfully as possible, and to be less afraid of being the woman that I actually want to be. Sadly, with that growth comes separation from people you once heavily relied on, this self-growth tied in with Covid and social distancing (mind you nothing in extreme but going from seeing family weekly to maybe once a month- not all of which is due to Covid but overall life changes as well), the chasm between my family and myself has grown. Don’t get me wrong there is no outwardly bad blood or openly acknowledged tenseness but I am the one who has more so been isolated from my family, as my husband and I bought a house on the opposite side of town (pre-covid) while everyone else has stayed relatively near each other (as little as a 2 minute drive to a max 7 minute drive).

Being on the outside looking in definitely gives a different perspective. If you want to my affiliation with politics or general tenements about that please feel free to read that post and it can be found here, but in short I value love, honesty, and understanding.

So yea, I have guilt over the part I decided to no longer play or more so could no longer as I have grown, I have my family, my daughter, and she is priority, but it is upsetting when family dismisses you as if you’re prior accomplishments before motherhood mean nothing. (For some reference I was also in extra curricular activities in college e.g Psychology Club President and I even completed preliminary research studies that I presented at other University conferences. I use to do things!

In so, I call this my spiral into depression but I guess a better way to describe it is as “the reality of the perceptions of others hitting me in the face”. Everything right now is different, for better or for worse- there’s a quote that I’ll find more information about it but it goes something like this”…when confidence is unfamiliar it may feel like arrogance, etc…” and I think that’s something I’ve been processing. For a long time I’ve kept my opinions to myself and only shared them with a very small few, but part of my growth is becoming more outspoken in hopes of explaining things to others, opening that dialogue, seeing and asking the right questions in hopes of digging deeper into what their truth is- what is this actually about? What are you really afraid of? What do you actually value? Are you sure?

I have a lot of thoughts and feeling swirling through me right now and I’m processing them as healthily as I can. I did eat two bags of famous amos mini chocolate chips, but hey, I’m still trying. I then decided to write. I‘m not sure how much of this I’m going to keep or how much of this will survive editing, but I’m processing, I’m feeling my feelings, I’m asking myself questions, placing and piecing everything together. I’m in a weird place right now. I knew things would change as I married, had a child, etc, but I didn’t realize how much my families dynamic would change and morph overtime. Covid hit everyone hard, some people noticed it and reached out in healthy ways, some people further shut down in unhealthy ways, and others are still confused, or worst yet thinking they’re healthy when you can clearly see they’re not. My family forgets that my first love was psychology, my original passion. I started reading about people, cultures, languages, psychology, sociology, very early on. Those were my first self-studied pursuits. I love people, I deeply care. I hate liars, in all forms. Do not hurt your fellow man for wealth, ego, pride, fear- get your own house in order, mental, physical, emotional, before you try to dictate what someone else’s house should be and even then-You are not them, they are not you, and that’s okay.

This should go without saying but let me clarify since a lot of people like to twist what others say. I say what I mean and mean what I say, no half-truths, no omissions, and I will clarify until I’m blue in the face if need be. When it comes to understanding others the line is drawn at this- as long as you are not causing harm to yourself or others, actively or passively, then you do you. Do best by your fellow man, no pride, no ego, do nothing for the sake of power and control. Every day is a new day for self growth, learning, and kindness. My heart aches and I’m tired, so many people I speak with don’t even know themselves. Keep learning, keep growing, and I guess I’m still looking for my tribe.